Donut Brain

I just left Ron's class, a time that should be spent as a crew class but that more often turns into a gossip session amongst the theatre students. This afternoon, we all sat down on the couch, chairs and floor in his office and began our conversations. When Ron talks we all listen, we feel like he is this source of information that we are all eager to hear from. "Well what do you wanna do?" he started, "Ask me some questions". "Let me start with friends". Friends, he explained, are the least talked about relationship because no one has a defined formula for a successful friendship. They are two types of friends; The ones who are there in your life who make it easier and more fun. The people you party with, the people who don't get mad when you flake on them. These people are great, but often stagnate potential. why study when you can hang out and drink beers? It was suggested that we seek out people who we want to be like, people who are accomplished, maybe older, and people who are focused on what they want. Stay surrounded by those who encourage you and are genuinely happy for your success. The other 'friends' don't need to be immediately cast-off, but will eventually drift away. This lack of motivation can posion ambition. They fear being left behind, an will if they can not keep up with the hustle. Don't be surprised when they think 'you've changed', when its them who have just stayed the same. Don't be held back.
I have been thinking about Johnny lately, thinking if I did the right thing breaking up with him in August. Wondering if it all would be different right now.
Ron's talk with us was the first time I felt correct in my decision with Johnny. I knew what I needed, a bestfriend who would support me and be excited and eager for what I was doing, and I no longer had that from Johnny. But since then I have torn myself apart for being the bitch, for breaking his heart, for breaking mine, for ruining the bliss we had created for ourselves and for destroying our plans for a picture-perfect college romance. But the truth was I wanted more from every other part of my life, I looked around and was scared with the routine I found myself in, especially because I was not doing what I wanted to do to its fullest potential because I had allowed myself to become taken over by passiveness.
Ron told us to make a mental image of a pie graph of our time spent in a week. "How many hours do you spend studying a script or working on your craft? Fifteen percent or your time? How about time you spend partying, and I mean staying out till four in the morning because I know you do. Sixty-five percent of the time? Whatever you spend a majority of your time doing is what defines you". Ron's words resounded in me and couldn't have come at a more perfect time. I thought about my time with Johnny. I wasn't doing what I wanted to, and needed a radical change to overhaul my life. When we broke up I felt like shit, but I know that it was saving me, my identity.
I thought about my friends while sitting on the floor with the other students. I guess I would call them my friends but most of the people I was thinking about I wouldn't call if I needed a shoulder to cry on or if I were in trouble, and is that not what a real friend is for? In high school, we had all been friends since diapers, but now that distance had scattered us, I found who my true friends were. Rather, I knew which friends were close to my heart and I found out who held me close to theirs (which happens to be ninety percent of the friends I thought it would be). With new friends, its so hard to determine at the beginning who your good friends will be. Everyone wants to rush into friendships, to find their anchor for fear of being alone. So what do you do to with these new friends? Naturally, like any social being, you go out and have fun, go to a party, go for drinks. But then how can we determine who will be the positive influences in our lives and who are the ones who just want a party buddy? While listening to Ron I decided what makes a solid companion; someone who is comfortable on their own as an individual, who does not need validation and who can succeed on their own without the help of others. Granted, this person may be difficult to find, and no one is perfect; sure we all need validation sometimes and need the support of other to accomplish what we want to get done, but overall, a person needs to be a strong pilar on their own before they can make a supportive friend.
In turn, you must be a strong, motivated individual to be a decent friend in return. Why look for fullfillment from someone else when only you can fill that void in yourself. Ron said that many college freshmen lose their identity in that first year because they get very little alone time. They are constantly surrounded by people and distractions in the dorms, and for the rare solitude that is found, it is often breif and still filled with a heightened sense of self awareness.


...so many ideas still on this, i will finish it later