My wine opening ordeal had me pissed, but I wanted to put it behind me with a clear mind. I browsed Myspace a bit and found some scene chick's page with a song. It was one of those pages where you can't stop the music and at first I was like 'fuck you emo page' but I got listening to the song, the lyrics were about drinking too much wine. Ironic. I liked the song but since the song was embedded I wasn't able to see the artist or song name and I was like 'fuck you embedded song with good lyrics'. So I left Myspace for my blog before I could get all worked up again.
Johnny had been on my mind recently. Not in any self pitying 'I want my exboyfriend back' kind of way, but just wondering how he was, hoping everything was good. After spending so much time with someone, seeing them every single day, talking to them every hour, its hard to just forget them. My feelings for Johnny; purely platonic, but I was disappointed that he hadn't returned a friendly text I had sent to him.
Chelsea had been pestering me all semester to visit her in San Diego. It was only fair that I drive down and stay with her since she had visited me twice already. So I made the trek south to USD, a campus that reminded me very much of my own; church atop a bluff overlooking the city, a campus just small enough to feel safe. The religious undertones were more predominant here with crosses adorning each archway and portraits of the saints in the dorm hallways. I met up with Chelsea and the familiar college girls who were her new friends. My car treated them to a rare dinner off campus. Over our burritos Chelsea told me she had talked to Max, her ex, earlier and asked if I had heard about Johnny. I didn't know what she was talking about, she told me that he had overdosed. WHAT. WHAT THE FUCK? I didn't know what to say, I sat at the table unable to finish my dinner. I BET HE WAS DRUNK, YEAH, THAT DRUNK ASS GETTING HIMSELF INTO TROUBLE. I remembered him being careless about his health, not taking care of himself, his heart, his liver, drinking too much, fighting too much, dipping, he was careless. Even though I told myself everything was okay, I wanted everything to be okay, I know Johnny, I knew it was worse than I wanted it to be, it always was.
I was nervous as I excused myself from Chelsea's room and into the hallway. I had no idea what to say, what to expect, I paced back and forth before finally pressing send connecting to Johnny's phone. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? YOU'RE AN IDIOT. ARE YOU OKAY? I planned what to say, but was completely thown when an unfamiliar voice answered.
"It's Li"
"Dee?"
"No, Li"
I heard what he was saying, understood the name but couldn't understand why this person was answering. Surely Johnny wouldn't stand for this person just grabbing his phone and picking it up. I was waiting for the hand-off.
"We're at the hospital with Johnny right now"
"Oh"
"I don't know how much you know but, he overdosed, he's been here since last night, still unresponsive"
"Yeah?"
"They're calling it a suicide attempt. He sent all of his friends text messages before he did it..."
My ear was to the phone but I didn't hear the rest. A wave of disbelief and shock washed over me. WHAT? NO NO NO. My eyes welled and hot, salty tears began streaming down my cheeks. My breaths became short and quick and words refused to manifest. My silent anguish was broken by a sob.
"I know you and Johnny were...close. I'm sorry"
I ended the conversation with a promise for further updates. My face, hands and body burned, my knees folded into a corner and I began to cry. My moan echoed down the empty, carpeted hallway as I shoved open the wooden door of the dorms and stormed down the stairs. I aimlessly paced through the grass bawling at the top of my lungs. Only on a college campus could my scene have been mistaken for a drunken rant. I can't remember the last time I cried so hard. My heart heaved and my head raced with the questions, but the biggest one; why? Was it all really that bad? I wandered across campus and found myself at the ornate doors of the church. I gave one a hard pull but I shouldn't have been surprised to find it locked at this late hour. The only time I really wanted to have a place of reprieve and it won't let me in.
Chelsea phoned me and I maded my way back to the unfamiliar dorms. I breathed in the cold night air and told myself it was all going to be okay.
I killed what was left of our handle of Captain and followed the girls out in search of a party. My night was numb and plastering on a smile for people I had just met and would probably never see again just made me the more unpleasant. Chelsea's buddy and I sat on the rooftop deck while the houseparty continued on inside. I wanted to tell him what just happened, but it seemed like I would be explaining something distant, like a foreign movie, it just didn't seem real.
The night melted into my dreams and when I woke in the morning it all seemed pleasant..for that half-moment after you open your eyes everything seems so careless. Then reality hit. OH LAST NIGHT WAS REAL, IT DID REALLY HAPPEN. I had a throbbing headace and my eyes were tired and red from holding back tears from the night before. I lied in bed able to get a good look at Chelsea's dorm room in the light. I had a restless sleep and tried to remember my dream which was extremely vivid. Just after the girls put on some Brad Pitt murder mystery movie I passed out and then FACES, STRANGERS, DO I KNOW YOU, HOSPITAL, SOMEONE CLOSE TO MY CHEEK TALKING, EXPLAINING. The dream was all too real and although I tried to shake the thoughts, they haunted the rest of the weekend.
I visited Johnny the following Monday evening. My heart was beating hard as I drove to the Hospital. I had no idea what to expect, would he even be awake, would he turn me away when I got there, these questions rattled in my head as I walked down the steril white halls. I found Johnny talking with his dad in the hall in front of his room. Although a hospital gown didn't suit him very well, he looked good.
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