Remember December

I've been really horrible at keeping my posts updated. With the free time during the winter holiday you'd think that I would make an effort to write but its been just the opposite, so this post will probably cover several packed weeks.
Finals behind me, I kick started the break with a little fun. I got a call to shoot for California Costumes again, every little girls dream; to play dress up as a job. Kayslee and I were reunited by the same clients who brought us together in the first place. I would later find out that my native american costume was their best selling outfit last Halloween.





USD still had another week of class left so after my shoot in San Diego I stayed the night with Chelsea and her girlies, Missy and Lena. Feeling a bit like a transvestite on parade with my fairy pink make up caked on, the girls and I hit the town. The ho ho holidays have landed.









My birthday was this month, and with friends back from school we celebrated at a Greek restaurant; dancing waiters included. I spent some quality time with the cousins; Maria a bit more outgoing joining me at dinner, Jane more enlightened through her trips to the East Village and Lena the same but sweet as ever. And then Nellie, oh dear Nellie the light of the family, she is a walking, (very much) talking American Girl Doll with a personality like pop rocks.







Although I don't have school to keep me busy, I have flown to the Midwest to shoot for Kohl's twice already this month, and another shoot scheduled for the day after Christmas. Its been hectic but I wouldn't have it any other way. Due to bad weather last week, my plane came into LAX twenty seats less than expected, so of course I was kicked off. No, not the hippie, dread lock dude who had been "traveling all over South America just taking in the culture for the past four months", it was I, who had an 8am call time the next morning in Chicago. I'm forced to take the red-eye and land with just enough time to take a cab straight from the airport to set and into the makeup chair. But for being ever so cooperative I was given a free roundtrip ticket to anywhere in the continental United States. I plan on doing much blogging about New York in the spring.
Miss Kayln and I were able to enjoy our first 'White Christmas'", both of us being from the sunny state of Florida (as my fake ID will tell you ha). We took our lunch break to frolic in the snowy parking lot before we realized how vital gloves are when having a snowball fight.

You Again!

My camera wasn't in fact lost after the holiday party, but safe afterall. Here's a sample of what I recovered a week later.

Peppermint Is So In

The stress of finals coming up this week was quite obvious on campus, so this weekend we just had to let loose. A sign posted on the front of the Rosecrans dorm said it best "Friday & Saturday Quiet 24 Hours"....with 'quiet' cross out and 'party' scratched in above. I am one of the lucky ones with a segmented finals week; two finals down and two more next week. Since many people are leaving before the week is over this was our last weekend of the semester to party together. Friday was the ugly sweater themed party. The crowd didn't really show up until late, but when people finally got there it was crackin'. The crowded house swayed to the beat of music and conversation. My vomit-green sweater, knee-high socks and red sequin shoes rocked the holiday theme well. Of course I lose my camera with tons of picures on it (thus the absence of visual documentation here) and worst of all my nerd ray ban frams...RIP. The evening was the definition of the word shitshow.
Total creeper background shot but the only one of me from the party (found on facebook)
The next morning I found out that Chelsea drunk dialed my mom, which made me cry laughing for about an hour.

Sweetheart, Bitterheart Now I Can Tell You Apart

The girls and I continued the holiday spirit this evening. We ordered in Thai food and watched the Christmas movie Love Actually. Its a sweet intertwining of lives and relationships, and I'm not usually one for love stories. Kinda made me wish I had someone to wrap my arms around. I've really gotten the hang of this whole independent living thing and now I think I really don't need anyone. I used to believe I could work out a career long enough until prince charming came and picked me up and dropped me into the middle of the cult of domesticity where I could become a happy Stepford. But therein lies my biggest fear; my life being defined by somebody else. I don't want to wait to find my happiness in someone else. Don't get me wrong, I'm not unhappy now, in fact I'm quite content. I'm merely done with the prowl. I feel that, especially on a college campus, there is a never ending competition for attention from the opposite sex. We're in our prime and looking for passion, which many mistake for love. The quad a lunch hour is reminiscent of a forest of birds all looking for their mate; qualifications are the best feathers, the brightest colors, most expensive designer labels. If you're not dating somebody you're nobody. Even websites about who's hooking up with who are wildly driven by part fiction, part truth, part what everyone wishes were truth. So now all I look for is companionship, just friends. I think i've broken too many hearts for my own good. And I'm not talking about mine.

That Holiday Cheer

The holiday spirit is in full swing here on campus. We break for the December holiday and the end of semester a week from Friday, and people are already thinking about home again. The dorm decorating contest has turned into a full battle of the halls with kids litterally wrapping their dorms by using santa clause themed paper to wallpaper their rooms. One set of roommates even bought a real Christmas tree and decorated it in their dorm. Unfortunately it was deemed a fire hazard and had to be removed to outside the window. The roommates protested by posting a sign stating "You can take our tree but you can't take our holiday spirit!". The tree lighting ceremony was Sunday night and I caught a glimpse of the even in the evening, the field was illuminated with paperbag candles leading up the tree that stands in the center of campus. Heck I was even invited to a 'Holiday Sweaters, Vests (and Big Breasts)' themed party this weekend hah. The coffee shop that I write from is decked with hip purple, teal and green snowflakes and bobbles that hang from the ceiling and rocks a variety of well-known Christmas carols. And although I'm not a fan of excess holiday spirit too early in the month ( I'm still feeling Thanksgiving dinner!) the pop version of "All I Want For Christmas is You" is the perfect theme while I glance over the top of my laptop screen out the window at a gorgeous dark-haired guy.
Grant left the states back to Australia this afternoon. Even though I knew that he would be leaving, it still came too soon. I'm so glad I met Granty and got a chance to spend time with him, we always had fun and we constantly laughing. Whenever I see whorish regrowth I will think of him. Dare I say I'm a bit cut. Two months came and have now passed. It has reminded me the brief time that I have been here at school and in LA, but it feels like ages. All the people I've met, things I've done feel like they could fill years. I believe this time will be looked back on as one of the most exciting and pivotal times in my life. Similar to the concept of luck being the convergence of opportunity and preparedness, this period in my life has been the meeting point of the social and educational opportunity of a college community joined with my own eagerness for something new.

Indie Rock

I've been horrible at maintaining this blog, but I guess that means I'm out living rather than blogging about what I already did. November kept me quite occupied. The incident with Johnny really came as a shock and I spent too many nights sitting up with questions swimming in my head. Acting has kept me busy busy, from castings, callbacks, holds, and shooting a part for the FX show The Riches, on top of perfecting a scene from Anton Chekov's The Cherry Orchard for class. Grant was away in Paris for some time, seeing the cities of the world, I am truly jelous. Dad wasn't around much this month either, off doing business on a global scale. I am so proud of him. Mom was occupied with the pets. Leila and I fought, I felt so guilty and mad at myself after. I'm scared watching her grow up, she is so strong and independed I don't know how to treat her, but I knew that this would come, the day that we were no longer sisters but best friends. I want her to open up to me, and I think its getting there, but I'm still waiting for that day. The Thanksgiving holiday brought all of us back together again. The town was the same, but different, small changes but changes nonetheless. The internet created an excited frenzy among our circle of friends, but as I sat next to a drunk guy cooing about how he finally had to tell me that he had a crush on me since high school three years back, I couldn't help but stare off at the swaying crowd at the house party and realize this was no longer who I was. My friends were at school, in the dorms, maybe still at home for community college, but I could see the paths already being forged. For each of us separate paths that led us slightly further apart with each step. For most, coming home was a long-awaited break and the first home-cooked meal and hot shower with privacy in months. For me, I couldn't wait to get back home. Back to my home, in LA. It was great seeing my family, good having dinner cooked for me and sleeping in, nice seeing all the friends who I consider siblings, but the hype of 'reuniting' was overrated, and the people I cared most about I had been in contact with while apart anyways. I couldn't stand the sedintary pace I found at home and craved to be back to my city lifestyle, if it can be considered that at all. November really showed me how alone I was. Okay maybe not alone, but independent to say the least. It was a realization of where I am in life and who I am, and that a very selfsufficient person.

I think Bob Dylan said it best:

May your hands always be busy
May your feet be always swift
May you have a strong foundation
When the winds of changes shift
May your heart always be joyful
May your song always be sung
May you stay forever young
Foever young, forever young

On Fiyaaaa

Two weekends in a row I made the long trip down to San Diego to visit my best girl Chelsea. Her roomate and friends were my posse for the weekend and we hit the campus to find about as much fun as possible. Granted, that fun was limited since a large portion of the partying population at USD had been buses across the border to the clubs in Tijuanna. Although a night trip to Mexico sounds tempting, I prefer not to be date raped, thank you.

Ghosts

I've been putting off writing this post because it cuts deep. Just thinking about it makes me flushed. I decided to treat myself to a glass of wine because why the hell not. Since it was a new bottle of red it needed opening and of course it has to have that new kind of synthetic cork because the real organic cork is getting scarce or extinct. Why can't you just keep making babies cork? Maybe if we had more cork I wouldn't have had to struggle with that bottle for ten minutes, nearly dislocating my shoulder in the process. It really reminded me how weak I've become, man I use to be strong, not in a masculin way, just stronger. Jars use to be easy and now I don't eat fresh peanutbutter until someone can help me open it.
My wine opening ordeal had me pissed, but I wanted to put it behind me with a clear mind. I browsed Myspace a bit and found some scene chick's page with a song. It was one of those pages where you can't stop the music and at first I was like 'fuck you emo page' but I got listening to the song, the lyrics were about drinking too much wine. Ironic. I liked the song but since the song was embedded I wasn't able to see the artist or song name and I was like 'fuck you embedded song with good lyrics'. So I left Myspace for my blog before I could get all worked up again.

Johnny had been on my mind recently. Not in any self pitying 'I want my exboyfriend back' kind of way, but just wondering how he was, hoping everything was good. After spending so much time with someone, seeing them every single day, talking to them every hour, its hard to just forget them. My feelings for Johnny; purely platonic, but I was disappointed that he hadn't returned a friendly text I had sent to him.
Chelsea had been pestering me all semester to visit her in San Diego. It was only fair that I drive down and stay with her since she had visited me twice already. So I made the trek south to USD, a campus that reminded me very much of my own; church atop a bluff overlooking the city, a campus just small enough to feel safe. The religious undertones were more predominant here with crosses adorning each archway and portraits of the saints in the dorm hallways. I met up with Chelsea and the familiar college girls who were her new friends. My car treated them to a rare dinner off campus. Over our burritos Chelsea told me she had talked to Max, her ex, earlier and asked if I had heard about Johnny. I didn't know what she was talking about, she told me that he had overdosed. WHAT. WHAT THE FUCK? I didn't know what to say, I sat at the table unable to finish my dinner. I BET HE WAS DRUNK, YEAH, THAT DRUNK ASS GETTING HIMSELF INTO TROUBLE. I remembered him being careless about his health, not taking care of himself, his heart, his liver, drinking too much, fighting too much, dipping, he was careless. Even though I told myself everything was okay, I wanted everything to be okay, I know Johnny, I knew it was worse than I wanted it to be, it always was.
I was nervous as I excused myself from Chelsea's room and into the hallway. I had no idea what to say, what to expect, I paced back and forth before finally pressing send connecting to Johnny's phone. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? YOU'RE AN IDIOT. ARE YOU OKAY? I planned what to say, but was completely thown when an unfamiliar voice answered.
"It's Li"
"Dee?"
"No, Li"
I heard what he was saying, understood the name but couldn't understand why this person was answering. Surely Johnny wouldn't stand for this person just grabbing his phone and picking it up. I was waiting for the hand-off.
"We're at the hospital with Johnny right now"
"Oh"
"I don't know how much you know but, he overdosed, he's been here since last night, still unresponsive"
"Yeah?"
"They're calling it a suicide attempt. He sent all of his friends text messages before he did it..."
My ear was to the phone but I didn't hear the rest. A wave of disbelief and shock washed over me. WHAT? NO NO NO. My eyes welled and hot, salty tears began streaming down my cheeks. My breaths became short and quick and words refused to manifest. My silent anguish was broken by a sob.
"I know you and Johnny were...close. I'm sorry"
I ended the conversation with a promise for further updates. My face, hands and body burned, my knees folded into a corner and I began to cry. My moan echoed down the empty, carpeted hallway as I shoved open the wooden door of the dorms and stormed down the stairs. I aimlessly paced through the grass bawling at the top of my lungs. Only on a college campus could my scene have been mistaken for a drunken rant. I can't remember the last time I cried so hard. My heart heaved and my head raced with the questions, but the biggest one; why? Was it all really that bad? I wandered across campus and found myself at the ornate doors of the church. I gave one a hard pull but I shouldn't have been surprised to find it locked at this late hour. The only time I really wanted to have a place of reprieve and it won't let me in.
Chelsea phoned me and I maded my way back to the unfamiliar dorms. I breathed in the cold night air and told myself it was all going to be okay.

****
I killed what was left of our handle of Captain and followed the girls out in search of a party. My night was numb and plastering on a smile for people I had just met and would probably never see again just made me the more unpleasant. Chelsea's buddy and I sat on the rooftop deck while the houseparty continued on inside. I wanted to tell him what just happened, but it seemed like I would be explaining something distant, like a foreign movie, it just didn't seem real.
The night melted into my dreams and when I woke in the morning it all seemed pleasant..for that half-moment after you open your eyes everything seems so careless. Then reality hit. OH LAST NIGHT WAS REAL, IT DID REALLY HAPPEN. I had a throbbing headace and my eyes were tired and red from holding back tears from the night before. I lied in bed able to get a good look at Chelsea's dorm room in the light. I had a restless sleep and tried to remember my dream which was extremely vivid. Just after the girls put on some Brad Pitt murder mystery movie I passed out and then FACES, STRANGERS, DO I KNOW YOU, HOSPITAL, SOMEONE CLOSE TO MY CHEEK TALKING, EXPLAINING. The dream was all too real and although I tried to shake the thoughts, they haunted the rest of the weekend.


****
I visited Johnny the following Monday evening. My heart was beating hard as I drove to the Hospital. I had no idea what to expect, would he even be awake, would he turn me away when I got there, these questions rattled in my head as I walked down the steril white halls. I found Johnny talking with his dad in the hall in front of his room. Although a hospital gown didn't suit him very well, he looked good.

Dollar Bills

I found the video for the Corey Kennedy + Cobrasnake yard sale that Ally and I went to waaaay back in August. NylonTV interviewed us but I guess we were just way too intriguing to make the final cut. At least we can say we were there and bought some really cool shit.

Stardust in the Makeup

I shot with photographer Paul Smith and got some killer headshots. Paul's fun attitude and Australian accent made me sentimental for Granty who had left for two weeks in Paris. His studio in downtown LA was exactly the kind of loft I would expect from an artsy type like him; heavy steel doors opened to a spacious work area with alternative backdrops off to the side overlooking the rooftops of neighboring buildings through ceiling-high, dusty windows.

Donut Brain

I just left Ron's class, a time that should be spent as a crew class but that more often turns into a gossip session amongst the theatre students. This afternoon, we all sat down on the couch, chairs and floor in his office and began our conversations. When Ron talks we all listen, we feel like he is this source of information that we are all eager to hear from. "Well what do you wanna do?" he started, "Ask me some questions". "Let me start with friends". Friends, he explained, are the least talked about relationship because no one has a defined formula for a successful friendship. They are two types of friends; The ones who are there in your life who make it easier and more fun. The people you party with, the people who don't get mad when you flake on them. These people are great, but often stagnate potential. why study when you can hang out and drink beers? It was suggested that we seek out people who we want to be like, people who are accomplished, maybe older, and people who are focused on what they want. Stay surrounded by those who encourage you and are genuinely happy for your success. The other 'friends' don't need to be immediately cast-off, but will eventually drift away. This lack of motivation can posion ambition. They fear being left behind, an will if they can not keep up with the hustle. Don't be surprised when they think 'you've changed', when its them who have just stayed the same. Don't be held back.
I have been thinking about Johnny lately, thinking if I did the right thing breaking up with him in August. Wondering if it all would be different right now.
Ron's talk with us was the first time I felt correct in my decision with Johnny. I knew what I needed, a bestfriend who would support me and be excited and eager for what I was doing, and I no longer had that from Johnny. But since then I have torn myself apart for being the bitch, for breaking his heart, for breaking mine, for ruining the bliss we had created for ourselves and for destroying our plans for a picture-perfect college romance. But the truth was I wanted more from every other part of my life, I looked around and was scared with the routine I found myself in, especially because I was not doing what I wanted to do to its fullest potential because I had allowed myself to become taken over by passiveness.
Ron told us to make a mental image of a pie graph of our time spent in a week. "How many hours do you spend studying a script or working on your craft? Fifteen percent or your time? How about time you spend partying, and I mean staying out till four in the morning because I know you do. Sixty-five percent of the time? Whatever you spend a majority of your time doing is what defines you". Ron's words resounded in me and couldn't have come at a more perfect time. I thought about my time with Johnny. I wasn't doing what I wanted to, and needed a radical change to overhaul my life. When we broke up I felt like shit, but I know that it was saving me, my identity.
I thought about my friends while sitting on the floor with the other students. I guess I would call them my friends but most of the people I was thinking about I wouldn't call if I needed a shoulder to cry on or if I were in trouble, and is that not what a real friend is for? In high school, we had all been friends since diapers, but now that distance had scattered us, I found who my true friends were. Rather, I knew which friends were close to my heart and I found out who held me close to theirs (which happens to be ninety percent of the friends I thought it would be). With new friends, its so hard to determine at the beginning who your good friends will be. Everyone wants to rush into friendships, to find their anchor for fear of being alone. So what do you do to with these new friends? Naturally, like any social being, you go out and have fun, go to a party, go for drinks. But then how can we determine who will be the positive influences in our lives and who are the ones who just want a party buddy? While listening to Ron I decided what makes a solid companion; someone who is comfortable on their own as an individual, who does not need validation and who can succeed on their own without the help of others. Granted, this person may be difficult to find, and no one is perfect; sure we all need validation sometimes and need the support of other to accomplish what we want to get done, but overall, a person needs to be a strong pilar on their own before they can make a supportive friend.
In turn, you must be a strong, motivated individual to be a decent friend in return. Why look for fullfillment from someone else when only you can fill that void in yourself. Ron said that many college freshmen lose their identity in that first year because they get very little alone time. They are constantly surrounded by people and distractions in the dorms, and for the rare solitude that is found, it is often breif and still filled with a heightened sense of self awareness.


...so many ideas still on this, i will finish it later

School Boy's Dream

The actual night of Halloween was spent in West Hollywood. The ballerinas and I, the mermaid, joined the gays in celebrating on a closed off section of Santa Monica Blvd. A four-some won the costume contests as the Golden Girls, and we saw plenty of rear-hugging spandex. The girls were so disapointed that everyone kept hollering at us three 'princesses', the crowns must have thown them off. We socialized with a group of guys, one of which was a middle school teacher who shared, "Shit, I have parent-teacher conferences tomorrow morning, I just want to tell them all their kids a little fucker".

Halloweird

Since Halloween lands in the middle of the week this year, costumed festivities began early this weekend. Chelsea and her girlies Lena and Missy joined Mike, Granty and I for an evening of adventures.