Good Morning Heartache, Whats New?

Emotional strength and an even temper are two traits that have always defined my personality. In the past two months I watched both evaporate and leave me an insecure, frustrated mess. I value my independence, but found the solitude of my apartment utterly depressing and deliberately filled my time with dishes, laundry and house cleaning rather than accepting social invitations from my friends. Self-doubting thoughts about my educations and job were coupled with confusion from unreturned phone calls. I figured my stress was rooted in pressure from impending final exams, calculating and paying taxes and family issues back home. But something wasn’t adding up, I had had these kind of stressors in the past but never had I reacted in such a dramatic manner. I was put on hold for a national commercial, which would shoot with David La Chapelle, and when I didn’t book it I promptly flew into a rage. If you throw a bitch fit, but no one is around to experience the wrath, did it really happen? I took my anger out on the treadmill. School was coming to an end but instead of looking forward to summer, I could only count down the weeks until my friends were leaving me. A melancholy feeling haunted me and I began having very realistic dreams of being physically paralyzed, which had me waking up in tears.

What I couldn’t stand the most is, I would cry over just about anything. I was sitting in the terminal waiting for my flight home from a Kohl’s shoot in Chicago watching the communal (close captioned) television when the Oprah show came on. Mama O was interviewing Tom Cruise and recounting his career and chatting about what a great actor and person he was. You know what happens, I begin crying. I never EVER cry, and there I was blubbering for no goddamn reason. This was the last straw, I knew my head was messed up but I didn’t know why. I retraced my calendar and came across a profound revelation; my antics coincided with the week that I began taking a certain ‘pill’. The pill had literally made me go insane, changed my personality and turned me into an emotionally desperate fembot. I threw them out the next day.